Crib Night One

Friday night was a night that I will not forget anytime soon. It was one of those proud mother moments, the one that even thought you do not sleep the best it was still the best night in a long time. I have started to put Maci in her crib for naps about a week ago, and she has been doing better than I could have ever imagined.

Since coming home from the hospital Maci has been sleeping in her rock-n-play. This has been a true life savor. For any new mom out there I would recommend getting one of these. Not only did it help to calm my nerves at night of her puking in her sleep and choking, but also as a place to her to sit and play and be high enough that she could still what was going on around her. The seat that is on a angle is but still comfortable enough for baby to sleep in. Well enough on that.

I decided that it was time to try a night in her crib. And it was perfect. Other than that she woke up to eat because she seems to not be able to eat enough. But even after eating I put her back in there and she slept like a champ until she woke up to eat again a few hours later.

Some day I know that I will miss the little things but right now I will make the most of them.

Everyday Is Something New

Just the other day for the first time I spent most of my night trying to get Maci to bed. She had her night time bottle, had some cuddle time, when she finally fell asleep I put her in her crib. And this is when everything turned. She decided that as tired as she was she was not going to sleep.

At first this was not anything new, she does this many nights. But this time she was up about every ten minutes. This was the night that she decided to learn to play the game of being over tired and continuously waking herself just as she would start to fall asleep. 

As this went on for about an hour I really learned that your child will push you to the limits everyday with something new. These things are some times the things that you just want to walk away because you run out of patients.

Being a single parent when you hit this point you do not always have someone else to turn to. I am lucky that even though I do not have a partner to share these challenges with both of my parents are more than willing to help me whenever they can. Even on nights that all we have is a crabby overtired baby. I could not be more thankful for them then I am now.

8 Weeks

In the last eight weeks I have seen just how much a child can learn in a short time. I never thought that a baby could learn so much so soon.

Here is the list of thing that at eight weeks old (2 months) my daughter has already accomplished:

     Full head control
     Beginning to pull her self to sit up
     Holds her own bottle
     Sleeps through the night
     Puts her self to sleep
     Entertains herself
     Recognizes people and voices
     Starting to laugh
     Stating to talk/babble
     Stating to show different emotions

Everyday there are new things to add. It is crazy, I never really understood how a parent could be so proud over the littlest things. But all the little things really are the big things. I never really thought that at 20 I would be a mother.

I never thought I would turn 21 and want to spend the night at home with the little girl. And having to have my friends tell me that we are going out. Even my parents told me that I need to take a night and go out and that would be the perfect night even if its just for an hour or so.

I also realized how much a child can make you want to plan for the future. I never in a million years wanted to own a house but now I can not imagine not. Its crazy how after your child is born your plans and dreams change 360 degrees. But I can honestly say that I would not have it any other way.

Maci has truly made me see the important things in life, and the importance in my own life that I never saw before.

In eight weeks Maci has grown 3 inches gained 3.5 Pounds. I can only imagine what she will be at her 4 month check up.

My Baby Girl

After everything with my marriage I decided to try and be a little relaxed with my life. Well I was a little to relaxed. About five weeks after going to a party I found myself in more of a predicament than I thought I would be in after everything else that I had just gone through. I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I had a few choices but I knew what I wanted and I knew that I was given this opportunity for a reason. I was not fully sure what it was that this was going to teach me but I did know that I could not have this baby on my own. But I knew that telling my parents would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do.

My parents took the news a million times better than I ever thought they would. I was also blessed that they were going to stand by me no matter what I decided to do.

That meant that they would be there even if things with the father did not work out. As hard as I tried I could not keep that situation from falling apart. I tried everything and I mean everything.

One thing that I did learn from it all is that it should not take a baby to make you realize that a situation is not safe.

But on May 31, 2015 at 7:31 P.M. My pride and joy, my baby girl was born.

I never realized what true love really was until I heard her cry for the first time. That is one moment in life that I will never forget.

Now do not take me saying this as being a parent is easy in anyway it is a new challenge everyday. Let alone being a single parent is even more of a challenge. Every day I learn a hundred new things and I know I have a million more to learn.

When the Pieces start to fall

I never thought that my life would be headed down the path that it is today. Its not that I thought that everything would change. I knew that it would. Its the inevitable. What I never thought was that it was going to all seem to fall apart right in front of me in the short time that it did. I went from having a happy marriage to having a marriage that was falling to a million little pieces. While still waiting for paperwork to be processed things started to become tougher and tougher. I was being accused of wasting time and not filing the paperwork that needed to be filed. The fights were not just of that but of many other things. I was doing to much with working two jobs and going to school. He wanted me just to go to school and focus on just that. That would have been fine if that was the only thing that I had going on in life at the time and did not have any other bills. Or if he would have been here to help financially.

That was another thing that I did not understand is that as much as he was always telling me that he did not want me to work he would never send me anything to help me to not have to work as much. It was not even money I had sent him things for important dates throughout the year. And the fact that I never got anything for a year and a half for anything. It had even got to the point that I had to be the one to start talking to him every morning or night or anytime that I wanted to talk or just to make sure that he was having a good day. I never seemed to hear from him first. This was something that I just could not live with, because as much as I knew and wanted things to change I knew that habits like that do not just show up out of no were.

As much as I did not want to know if things between the two of us were changing I knew that they were. Not only with who would talk to who first but when we could talk suddenly started to change I could not just pick up the phone and call him. It got to the point that I always had to send him a message first to make sure that I could call. When I did not it would upset him to the point of him answering the phone, telling me that he would call me back and he would normally say after an hour or so and I would not hear anything. During the time that I was waiting I would often fall asleep for the night because lets face it working two jobs and school full time was exhausting. Or it would be in the morning and it would be time for me to leave for work or school, and I was always the bad guy for not being up or free when he was finally free to talk.

It got to the point that I stopped trying to call because I got tired of not being able to talk anyways. But again I was deemed the bad guy. Things just kept falling into a million little pieces and I could not seem to keep up with keeping them all close, let alone to put all the pieces back together to make the happy picture that it once made. This again made me the even worse person. How could a wife not want to talk to her husband. How could I just be giving up. So many questions were asked and blamed me for everything that had started to pull us apart. It had even reached the point that he did not want me to spend as much time with his family here, even though I was a nanny for them for almost three years at that time. How was I supposed to be able to just walk away from seeing the baby and what had become a second family.

When it got to the point that nothing that I did was right I knew that things would never get back to the same place they were to start with no matter how hard we tried even if he were to get here. It was to the point that even his family here started to get more and more distant, this was a huge warning sign to me, that things were trying to be hid because it got back to the point that the only important part was the paperwork and getting that done and finding out why it was taking so long. Everything that i had already did. This made me realize that things were being hid from me. When the real truth of why we got married came out from his side it was like a knife cut my heart out. We had agreed that before we got married that it was not just for that but for love. I never knew that losing everything that I wanted so bad to work out would hurt so bad when I never truly got to hold it fully.

But being lied to for what I was in for the love I had for this man was something that I could not live with. I had to call it quits for myself I knew it was not fair for me to be in it with my whole heart and not have the same love in return.

In a matter of months we went from the happily married couple to the couple that was going through a divorce.

I never thought that I would be 20 years old and have all the plans that I had for a family fall apart as fast as they did. I never thought I would be divorced within two years of getting married. I can say that I am glad that it happened before we were settled or before he got here and the truth never would have came out. So as bad as it was I am glad it happened if anything I know that I learned so much more than I ever thought I would know at the age of 20.

~Not every puzzle is meant to be finished and kept together forever some are together just long enough to see the picture to know what is being lost.~

Life Will Always Change

Over the last eight months life has thrown me many different curve balls. Many of them were not any ways that I thought would happen in my life. I was raised in a way that thought me that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. In a post about my 2013 summer adventure, I had talked about how I had got married. Many people did not agree with what I had done but it was all through my choices. As time passed and we made it through our first year and a half still being 8,000 miles apart.

In the months that followed things started to head down hill. At first it was hard for me to listen to what people were trying to tell me how things were starting to seem unhealthy. As hard as it was for me to accept but as I tried to ignore what people were saying started to become more and more obvious. That is when I knew that what I had to do would not be easy but I knew it needed to be done. It took a few weeks but I finally built up the courage to stand up to my ex-husband and say that enough was enough.

The weeks and months that followed turned out to be some of the best and worst that I have ever had. Throughout the last 19 weeks I have struggled to get him to understand that no matter how much he tries to get me to come back and help him to get to America I will not change my mind because my life has moved on for the better.

Two of the best things in the world have also happened in the last 19 weeks. I had told myself that I was not going to jump into anything as quick as I did last time. But when I said that I did not realize that the person that I had started to see would change my life in such a wonderful way. I knew that what I was feeling was what I had been looking for the whole time. I remember always being told that when you are with someone and you no longer think or compare things to those from your first true love you know that you have found someone just as good. But in my case I know that I have found someone that is even a million times better. I can say this more confident than anything else. This is because through everything he has stood by me even though he did not have to.

The number one best thing that has happened in the last 19 weeks is that I found out that in about 21 weeks I will get to be the one thing that I have always wanted to be in life and that is getting to be a mom. The best part is that the man that I have fell so deep in love with is the father to my child. We have been lucky that everything is going good with the pregnancy. On the 15th we had our monthly check up and everything was good with baby having a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute. On February 12th we have our second ultrasound and will be finding out if our little monkey is a boy or a girl. I am banking on a boy but my parents are voting against Joe and I for a girl.


~Even when life brings you down to rock bottom, someone will always find you to bring you back up higher than where you were the first time~