Time To Move On

Over the last few months I had been seeing a guy on and off. We had not made anything official but it was one of those things that we had not been seeing anyone else either. About a month ago things between us started to get distant, to the point of going a whole week or more without talking. I know what your thinking, we weren't a couple so why am I worried. Well about a week ago I was asked by my sister if I would be interested in going on a date with one of her friends. This is what made me really start questioning what the first guy and me had. When I really started to think about it I realized that I may not truly be ready to move on. I don't mean with the first guy, but I mean over all with dating. With my last relationship I learned a lot about relationships, myself, when to say enough is enough, and how to stand up for myself and my daughter. What I realized is that I had been holding on to a relationship that wasn't there to keep from having to deal with the feelings that I had. I knew that if he had really wanted to make things work between us there would not have been as many excuses and canceled plans. No matter how crazy and hectic life gets if you really want things to work you will find a way, I have really learned that the last 8 months being a mom. So I decided to give my sisters friend a chance. I had meet him before but we never really had talked. I guess I am hoping that this will tell me if I am ready to get back out and try dating again, who knows I might find out that it just takes the right guy to get you back out there.

Crib Night One

Friday night was a night that I will not forget anytime soon. It was one of those proud mother moments, the one that even thought you do not sleep the best it was still the best night in a long time. I have started to put Maci in her crib for naps about a week ago, and she has been doing better than I could have ever imagined.

Since coming home from the hospital Maci has been sleeping in her rock-n-play. This has been a true life savor. For any new mom out there I would recommend getting one of these. Not only did it help to calm my nerves at night of her puking in her sleep and choking, but also as a place to her to sit and play and be high enough that she could still what was going on around her. The seat that is on a angle is but still comfortable enough for baby to sleep in. Well enough on that.

I decided that it was time to try a night in her crib. And it was perfect. Other than that she woke up to eat because she seems to not be able to eat enough. But even after eating I put her back in there and she slept like a champ until she woke up to eat again a few hours later.

Some day I know that I will miss the little things but right now I will make the most of them.

Everyday Is Something New

Just the other day for the first time I spent most of my night trying to get Maci to bed. She had her night time bottle, had some cuddle time, when she finally fell asleep I put her in her crib. And this is when everything turned. She decided that as tired as she was she was not going to sleep.

At first this was not anything new, she does this many nights. But this time she was up about every ten minutes. This was the night that she decided to learn to play the game of being over tired and continuously waking herself just as she would start to fall asleep. 

As this went on for about an hour I really learned that your child will push you to the limits everyday with something new. These things are some times the things that you just want to walk away because you run out of patients.

Being a single parent when you hit this point you do not always have someone else to turn to. I am lucky that even though I do not have a partner to share these challenges with both of my parents are more than willing to help me whenever they can. Even on nights that all we have is a crabby overtired baby. I could not be more thankful for them then I am now.

8 Weeks

In the last eight weeks I have seen just how much a child can learn in a short time. I never thought that a baby could learn so much so soon.

Here is the list of thing that at eight weeks old (2 months) my daughter has already accomplished:

     Full head control
     Beginning to pull her self to sit up
     Holds her own bottle
     Sleeps through the night
     Puts her self to sleep
     Entertains herself
     Recognizes people and voices
     Starting to laugh
     Stating to talk/babble
     Stating to show different emotions

Everyday there are new things to add. It is crazy, I never really understood how a parent could be so proud over the littlest things. But all the little things really are the big things. I never really thought that at 20 I would be a mother.

I never thought I would turn 21 and want to spend the night at home with the little girl. And having to have my friends tell me that we are going out. Even my parents told me that I need to take a night and go out and that would be the perfect night even if its just for an hour or so.

I also realized how much a child can make you want to plan for the future. I never in a million years wanted to own a house but now I can not imagine not. Its crazy how after your child is born your plans and dreams change 360 degrees. But I can honestly say that I would not have it any other way.

Maci has truly made me see the important things in life, and the importance in my own life that I never saw before.

In eight weeks Maci has grown 3 inches gained 3.5 Pounds. I can only imagine what she will be at her 4 month check up.

My Baby Girl

After everything with my marriage I decided to try and be a little relaxed with my life. Well I was a little to relaxed. About five weeks after going to a party I found myself in more of a predicament than I thought I would be in after everything else that I had just gone through. I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I had a few choices but I knew what I wanted and I knew that I was given this opportunity for a reason. I was not fully sure what it was that this was going to teach me but I did know that I could not have this baby on my own. But I knew that telling my parents would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do.

My parents took the news a million times better than I ever thought they would. I was also blessed that they were going to stand by me no matter what I decided to do.

That meant that they would be there even if things with the father did not work out. As hard as I tried I could not keep that situation from falling apart. I tried everything and I mean everything.

One thing that I did learn from it all is that it should not take a baby to make you realize that a situation is not safe.

But on May 31, 2015 at 7:31 P.M. My pride and joy, my baby girl was born.

I never realized what true love really was until I heard her cry for the first time. That is one moment in life that I will never forget.

Now do not take me saying this as being a parent is easy in anyway it is a new challenge everyday. Let alone being a single parent is even more of a challenge. Every day I learn a hundred new things and I know I have a million more to learn.

When the Pieces start to fall

I never thought that my life would be headed down the path that it is today. Its not that I thought that everything would change. I knew that it would. Its the inevitable. What I never thought was that it was going to all seem to fall apart right in front of me in the short time that it did. I went from having a happy marriage to having a marriage that was falling to a million little pieces. While still waiting for paperwork to be processed things started to become tougher and tougher. I was being accused of wasting time and not filing the paperwork that needed to be filed. The fights were not just of that but of many other things. I was doing to much with working two jobs and going to school. He wanted me just to go to school and focus on just that. That would have been fine if that was the only thing that I had going on in life at the time and did not have any other bills. Or if he would have been here to help financially.

That was another thing that I did not understand is that as much as he was always telling me that he did not want me to work he would never send me anything to help me to not have to work as much. It was not even money I had sent him things for important dates throughout the year. And the fact that I never got anything for a year and a half for anything. It had even got to the point that I had to be the one to start talking to him every morning or night or anytime that I wanted to talk or just to make sure that he was having a good day. I never seemed to hear from him first. This was something that I just could not live with, because as much as I knew and wanted things to change I knew that habits like that do not just show up out of no were.

As much as I did not want to know if things between the two of us were changing I knew that they were. Not only with who would talk to who first but when we could talk suddenly started to change I could not just pick up the phone and call him. It got to the point that I always had to send him a message first to make sure that I could call. When I did not it would upset him to the point of him answering the phone, telling me that he would call me back and he would normally say after an hour or so and I would not hear anything. During the time that I was waiting I would often fall asleep for the night because lets face it working two jobs and school full time was exhausting. Or it would be in the morning and it would be time for me to leave for work or school, and I was always the bad guy for not being up or free when he was finally free to talk.

It got to the point that I stopped trying to call because I got tired of not being able to talk anyways. But again I was deemed the bad guy. Things just kept falling into a million little pieces and I could not seem to keep up with keeping them all close, let alone to put all the pieces back together to make the happy picture that it once made. This again made me the even worse person. How could a wife not want to talk to her husband. How could I just be giving up. So many questions were asked and blamed me for everything that had started to pull us apart. It had even reached the point that he did not want me to spend as much time with his family here, even though I was a nanny for them for almost three years at that time. How was I supposed to be able to just walk away from seeing the baby and what had become a second family.

When it got to the point that nothing that I did was right I knew that things would never get back to the same place they were to start with no matter how hard we tried even if he were to get here. It was to the point that even his family here started to get more and more distant, this was a huge warning sign to me, that things were trying to be hid because it got back to the point that the only important part was the paperwork and getting that done and finding out why it was taking so long. Everything that i had already did. This made me realize that things were being hid from me. When the real truth of why we got married came out from his side it was like a knife cut my heart out. We had agreed that before we got married that it was not just for that but for love. I never knew that losing everything that I wanted so bad to work out would hurt so bad when I never truly got to hold it fully.

But being lied to for what I was in for the love I had for this man was something that I could not live with. I had to call it quits for myself I knew it was not fair for me to be in it with my whole heart and not have the same love in return.

In a matter of months we went from the happily married couple to the couple that was going through a divorce.

I never thought that I would be 20 years old and have all the plans that I had for a family fall apart as fast as they did. I never thought I would be divorced within two years of getting married. I can say that I am glad that it happened before we were settled or before he got here and the truth never would have came out. So as bad as it was I am glad it happened if anything I know that I learned so much more than I ever thought I would know at the age of 20.

~Not every puzzle is meant to be finished and kept together forever some are together just long enough to see the picture to know what is being lost.~

Life Will Always Change

Over the last eight months life has thrown me many different curve balls. Many of them were not any ways that I thought would happen in my life. I was raised in a way that thought me that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. In a post about my 2013 summer adventure, I had talked about how I had got married. Many people did not agree with what I had done but it was all through my choices. As time passed and we made it through our first year and a half still being 8,000 miles apart.

In the months that followed things started to head down hill. At first it was hard for me to listen to what people were trying to tell me how things were starting to seem unhealthy. As hard as it was for me to accept but as I tried to ignore what people were saying started to become more and more obvious. That is when I knew that what I had to do would not be easy but I knew it needed to be done. It took a few weeks but I finally built up the courage to stand up to my ex-husband and say that enough was enough.

The weeks and months that followed turned out to be some of the best and worst that I have ever had. Throughout the last 19 weeks I have struggled to get him to understand that no matter how much he tries to get me to come back and help him to get to America I will not change my mind because my life has moved on for the better.

Two of the best things in the world have also happened in the last 19 weeks. I had told myself that I was not going to jump into anything as quick as I did last time. But when I said that I did not realize that the person that I had started to see would change my life in such a wonderful way. I knew that what I was feeling was what I had been looking for the whole time. I remember always being told that when you are with someone and you no longer think or compare things to those from your first true love you know that you have found someone just as good. But in my case I know that I have found someone that is even a million times better. I can say this more confident than anything else. This is because through everything he has stood by me even though he did not have to.

The number one best thing that has happened in the last 19 weeks is that I found out that in about 21 weeks I will get to be the one thing that I have always wanted to be in life and that is getting to be a mom. The best part is that the man that I have fell so deep in love with is the father to my child. We have been lucky that everything is going good with the pregnancy. On the 15th we had our monthly check up and everything was good with baby having a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute. On February 12th we have our second ultrasound and will be finding out if our little monkey is a boy or a girl. I am banking on a boy but my parents are voting against Joe and I for a girl.


~Even when life brings you down to rock bottom, someone will always find you to bring you back up higher than where you were the first time~ 

Time Really Does Fly

So in the last 11 or so weeks I have been dealing with a lot of things in life from college, to friends, to work. As much as I thought my second semester was going to be go a little bit smoother than my first was just a joke. There is nothing about this semester that has not been just as challenging as the first. Between trying to balance more classes while still work was a new adventure in itself. Let alone it didn't stop just there work has been crazy and not in a good way, it had got to the point that I had started to look for a new job. For a while that search was not going well but then things started to turn around, I finally started to hear back from a few places.

As time kept going,feeling like it was just flying, I continued to put in my all but along that road I had realized that the people that had been by my side just didn't seem to be there any more. It's not that I was expecting them to drop everything they were doing but the fact that I would only hear from them when I would reach out to them made me really start to think. The fact that I had made plans with some of them and then last minute if I were not to have asked them would not have known that things had changed. I just didn't understand how friends that talked all the time just stopped that the two lane road had become a one way.

I knew that with the distance of different colleges and paths in life we would grow apart but I didn't think it was going to be like this at all. I thought it was going to be something that even know we got further in life the distance would make us closer. But the truth is it has only brought us farther apart. To see this happen and to see them not see it at all is what hurts the most. The fact that talking to the person, that a year ago we didn't miss a day without talking, can now go almost 11 weeks is just crazy.

There is nothing that cuts deeper than knowing the truth and seeing life move on like nothing had even happened. So when ever you think things are starting to fall into place just know at any given time they can just fall apart just as fast without you even knowing.

~When you start to see the world from the outside looking in, is when you rely start to understand what road you are on~

To Busy For To Long

In the past six months there have been so many things that have happened in life that I would have never would have happened the way they did or the time in my life that they did.

The summer of 2013 was the first summer that I would really say that I had a summer vacation. As scary as it seemed at the start it all turn out better than I could have ever dreamed. It started with getting my first semester of college all ready to go and what class where. But shortly after that came the time to buckle down and work and put my money away for the semester that I knew I would not be working much. And after what seemed like for ever but was only about a month and a half it was time for my first real vacation.

This was one that I thought would never happen and when I found out it was going to I figured it was going to be a once in a life time chance. To my surprise 16 hours on a plane is not as fun as it seems in the movies. But this was one that I knew was going to be well worth it. Because I knew that at the other airport was going to be the person that I thought I would never get the chance to meet.

It was then 8 months that we had been talking and we had become very close just from that but getting the chance to meet him was a dream come true. In the events that followed were that which not even in a million years did I think would ever happen. But the rest of this story is for another day.

After returning home from India I knew there was not much time left before my first semester of college would begin. In all honesty I knew that I only had 5 days before it started and it was the only reason I came back when I did. The feeling that I had that first day was not much different than that from my first day of high school. Other than the fact that I knew that this is my last chance to get it all right because after this real life starts.

I had never thought of myself as a good student or as one that could get good grades on my own but I proved myself an so many others that told me that I could not do it wrong! At the end of my first semester I finished with a 3.0 over all GPA and many wonderful comments from my professors that they hope to see me in one of their other classes before my time is up here. One thing that I still am trying to figure out is where all the time went. When did those 15 weeks pass and how did I seem to miss it. The one thing that I did not miss over winter break was all the time spent in the library. That is one thing that no matter what I would have never thought I would see myself doing but I learned that the time there studying really did pay off and that a little extra effort really does make a difference.

Over break I have been working like a crazy person and wish I would have been able to make more time for the people that I do not get to see very often any more. But I am thankful for the time that I did get to spend with them when I did.

But in one week I start my second semester an get to finish my first year. And on the way there I hope to find more time to share my stories from along the way.

And if there is one thing that I had learned at all in these last six months it is that even when those you love seem far away and you may feel lost they will always be there to help find your way back to where you were going.

~Even if everyone is telling you that you are doing it wrong or are making a mistake in your life know that it is a mistake in their life but not always one in yours.... You have to just first to see if you are going to sink or float and to everybody's surprise and maybe even your own when you think you are going to sink that might just be the time you float.~

Until Next Time

It has become that time of year where school is soon beginning, and new memories will be made. But this year is the year that everyone is headed their separate ways to see what cards are in their hand in the game of life. I knew that this time would come but I just kept telling myself that it would be no different than when I changed schools, but I have never been more wrong.

Seeing the few that have helped shape my life thus far and were there to make the memories that I now keep tucked away for the days to come, is one thing that I have been trying to avoid but now having to face.

I have never been one to make friends very easily, or really wanting to, but through the last few years I have been blessed with a few special people that helped me through the good, bad, unknown, and everywhere in between times. The ones that no matter how stupid or little a thing I knew would be there when I called.

Tonight I said my "until next time" with the one girl that when no one else did friended me. As she puts it she came to talk to me that first time because she just couldn't figure me out. Although at the time I was not sure about her I was willing to talk, I did not know what she wanted until later on but at the time being the new kid from a school that no one else came from, I was willing to talk to who ever was willing to talk to me.

From that moment on things just kind of stuck, although we were two very different people, not knowing where life was going to take us, we decided on our journey to where ever that place may be we would try to find it with each others help when needed along the way.

Although if you ask me she has been that one person that when I had no one else to turn to was there to give me the best advise she could, even though it was not always what now looking back would have been the best to give. But hey, through the goofing off in school, getting others in trouble for the things we did, and getting away with everything that no one else would have, those were some of the best three years of high school.

Although the last year of high school we were not at the same school we still stayed in touch and did, what some would say is risky business, things that made some of the best memories that I have. And seeing her tonight to say our good byes, our until next times made me realize that everyone that is leaving says they are leaving behind for me since I am staying here it is not me leaving those memories. It is those memories leaving me.

They are leaving me with the places that will never quite feel the same. The knowing that there is no longer just a phone call to give and they will be right there. I know that for everyone this is what will truly make us who we are meant to be and to go where life is going to take us.

So, Until Next Time Rae Isable. May life give you everything that you need. I wish you the best on your new adventures of life, and just remember anything stupid that you do I would gladly be there right next to you doing it too. So, until the next time you are home, until the next time we talk. Just remember that the memories we have will be always be there to look back on and laugh on as the years go on.

 

You have been my "rock" these last few years and that is something that I will never be able to thank you enough for.

 

Until Next Time...

 

~Never let the worries or the fear to take over completely for you may never truly know what is there down the street waiting for you...~

 

Summer 2013

We know the whole "This is going to be the best summer I have had yet!" saying. Well for me none of the summers that I have ever had were all that exciting. They were all the same nothing really ever changed over the years, all I ever did was stay home, play outside with what ever neighbors were there that year, and if I was lucky I would get to go with dad on one of his trips to Madison. Yes when I was younger a the about three hour drive to Madison was fun because getting to have just me and Daddy time was the best thing especially to a daddy's girl. The trip was always fun but once we got there it was always then hours of sitting and waiting for the doctors, but I would not change a minute of it because we because so close during these times.

There was always the one big family/friends corn roast party that we always had, that by no choice of mine was also my birthday party to. but it was always more of mom and dads friends because well most of my friends and their families went on summer vacations and didn't stick around DePere, Wisconsin for the summer. Although there were always a few that would be able to make it.

Now don't take this as me complaining about my childhood in anyway I would not change it for anything it has made me who I am and made me learn to appreciate the little things. I am just trying to make a point of how all of my summers were always the same. So please don't take it as me complaining.

So although I too would leave school on the last day with the outlook that this was going to be the best summer I had ever had, I had not yet had that summer until this summer. The Summer of 2013! The summer after high school, the adventures before the start of college, the time before life goes on.

Throughout the school year I had been working with some very close friends of mine to set up everything for what I thought would be a once in a life time trip. This was going to be only the second real vacation that I had ever been on, and the first one that I would be able to remember. I know some of you may be asking where I was going, I was going to be going to India. All though I had graduated high school in January, taking the trip then was not an option. At that time I had just recently lost my job due to the business closing. So upon finishing school I "pulled up the boot straps" and really cracked down on trying to find a job that would be a reliable job while in college too. I had seen this time as an advantage to me because I would get a head start to those who would be getting done in the spring and too would be looking for a job.

I did find a good solid job that would not be going anywhere anytime soon, but then I faced the problem of with starting a new job it is hard and does not look the best to take a month off right away. So my trip again got pushed back. Once I had been there long enough to ask off for that long it was getting to close to graduation, even though I had been done for a few months already, I still wanted to be part of the ceremony and walk across the stage. Because well lets face it who doesn't want to do that after 12 years of hard work. So again the trip was getting pushed back.

Although there were many things that came up I finally got all the visa paperwork done, paid for and back. I was ready to go there was just one last thing that needed to be done, the second most important of it all we had to book my ticket. Through everything that was to say the least the easiest of it all.

As I landed there the adventures began right away. From the overload of people, being in a completely different culture, to the stores, street shops, street food, and everything else It was perfect. It was better than I could have ever though it would be. By day two we had reached our final destination and where I would be spending the majority of my time while there. While there I stayed with the family of the friends that helped make the trip possible for me.

Everything was wonderful. The food. The people. The Change. EVERYTHING! But the best part was that I had finally got to met the guy that I had been talking to for eight months prior. Don't worry, yes to me I had never meet him, but he was the cousin of the father that I had nannied for, who is also the friend that I have been talking about. I knew that I had feeling for this guy that I had never meet but I was not sure how deep they really were, but once we meet I knew for sure how deep they really were.

So for me the whole "summer love" thing really did come true but I know that it will be more than just a "summer love." Although he was not able to come back with me, we are working to get him here. Say what you want but what we have is more than any can know through just words on a computer. And no all of this is not just so he can come here, he is only coming here so that we can be together through this time of me being in college and from there who knows where life will take us. But I have been blessed with a man that is willing to give up everything he has and knows just to move 8,000 miles just so that we can be together because he knows that right now this is where I need to be. This is because he know as well as I do that the education that I will get here will be better than that I would get if I were there.

I can say that although I still have the summers between my college years to enjoy and yes there may be the chance that one of them may beat this summer but I will be fine with having the same old summers that I used to have, the ones I told you about earlier.

~Never keep a door from closing because you never know what could be behind the one that is still yet to open. You could be keeping the best part of your life from being set in front of you by holding on to that which you know is no longer any good to you...~

Only a Few Hours Left Here

The next few hours are the last that I will be spending in Green Bay Wisconsin for about the next three weeks. As happy as I am to be getting away from this place for the third summer in a row, this one will be the most memorable. As much as I have gotten myself ready to leave there is still a part of me that is starting to worry even more.

Like the last two summers I will not be only going to a different state. This year I am going to a different state in a different country. I am extra excited to be finally be taking what some would say a "real" trip. Let alone that this is going to be only the second vacation in my life it will be the first that I will ever remember. It has been a long 16 1/2 years that I have been waiting to take another vacation that I will be able to tell others about and even my own children someday. But as happy as I am I am just as scared. Because not only is it going to be only my third time ever flying but I is my first long flight. It is a 15 and a half hour flight and I will even be losing a day because of it. But to go along with that I am going to be going by myself. Although I know the people that I am staying with and I am flying there with one of them, it is still not the same as when you go with close family or friends.

So it is that time that I need to get some sleep for the drive down to Milwaukee in the morning.

P.S.

     Don't worry throughout my trip I will try to keep up with yous and tell you about what I have all done and how things are going.

~Never let the fear of falling keep you from doing something that could change your life forever.~

Eight Days

As the days just seem to be flying by I am left with my only day off of work before we leave town to do my packing, that I have not even started. Even though it is not hard something about it makes me just do everything in my power to avoid it. I guess even after high school procrastinating will always be my best friend.

As I think of all the wonderful things that I will get to see and do, and even just the experience itself my anxiety has already started to kick in big time even with having eight days left before we fly out. I know that everything will be just fine and everything and one will be here when I get back but the meer thought of being gone for these two weeks almost 8,000 miles away is the part that is getting me.

So as much as I have been trying to avoid packing I know I have to and until then I will be off here.

~One day you will do what you thought was the impossible, to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing what-so-ever you set your sights on.~

One Of Those Days

So today has been one of those days that no matter what I seem to do something is always going wrong. It either being upsetting someone, or something that went wrong is my fault even if I was not around or had nothing to do with it. Although I know that it will pass just like every other time it just does not seem to be a day that will be ending fast enough.

Although there were many good things that I did today everything seemed to be out weighed by double the bad. I have tried to keep my head up the best that I could today and not let the little things bother me it has come to that time of the day that it does not seem to matter. I have reached my breaking point for today and I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying.

As much as I know this is not the answer I feel just like any other time that it is the only way I personally will feel better. Knowing that as soon as I go to bed and wake up in the morning tomorrow will be a better day, I am just not ready for bed yet.

Today has just been one of those days that I wish I could just pack everything I have and move and start new. But I know if I did that I would just end up in an unfamiliar place facing new problems and challenges that would make me wish I would have just stayed.

~For every bad today that you face there will always be a better tomorrow~

The Wonders Of Music

I am sure that we have all at one time or another come across a song that sums up our life at that time better than any words we ever could. For me I feel this happens quite often because to start with I am not very good with words to begin with. So over the last four years I have really started to turn to music to help me find the words that I need oh so much at that time. Not always does it help but most of the time it does.

I personally feel that I always seem to come across these songs when I least expect it, or even when I don't realize that I am looking for one. Again this is how it happened this last time which was less than a week ago. It was about 12:30 AM while I was in my car on my way home. It was one of those nights that there seem to be nothing but talking on the radio, so just like any other time this happens I started playing my music. But although there was only music nothing seemed to be what I wanted to listen to, so I just kept changing the song to hopefully fine one before I reached home. At the first stop light I came to it was red, and at the same time a song started that I didn't remember having or ever heard before. So as I listen every word that came out of the speakers struck me like it was everything that I have been trying to figure out a way to say.

I know that many times it is only one song but for me this time it was two and it was right in a row.

These two songs seemed to change my night and next few days around.

I know you may be asking what the songs were:

She Don't Love Me - Blake Shelton

and

Sinners Like Me - Eric Church

I know they may seem like weird songs but the first one is everything that I someday hope will be between my ex and me. As far as the second one goes I'm not sure why but I just can't seem to not listen to it after.

~Not only does she not love me she don't hate me anymore~

~I come from a long line of sinners like me~

It Feels Unreal

So over the last few months I have been trying to plan a trip to India, and slowly it was all coming in to view but as of today everything is all set.

This is the list of things that needed to be done first:

• Talk to mom and dad about it
• Find a way to pay for the trip
• Get my passport
• Get a visa
• Talk to work to make sure I could get off for about three weeks
• Pick the dates
• Book the tickets
• Inform mom and dad and of course work too when I was going

Although the list is not long there is still a lot of time that has to go in to each thing. But all that time has been taken and everything is set. The feeling that this would never really happen is gone and is now replaced with one that feels so unreal and amazing.

I have never been this excited in my life, or at least that I can remember.

So as of July 9th I will be in India until July 24th.

~Although many things in life will seem impossible never let the thought of failing keep you from the great things you will do~

Where Does The Time Go?

In the last few months things have gone from crazy to calm to just a full out storm, and back again. Although many of these events that have come up have been minor, or even for the better it is still stressful and even sometimes overwhelming.

One event that took place in this time was graduation. Although I had finished school and technically "graduated" in January of this year I had decided to take part in the ceremony at the end of the year. Going back was nice getting to see everyone again and wish them luck on what ever was to come their way next. But like always there were things leading up to this day that made this day seem like it was just going to be a nightmare. Just a few of those would be picking up my cap and gown since they were handed out during the school day, reserving tickets, not receiving the correct tickets, planning who was going to come, and helping friends find extra tickets. In the end yes it was all worth it but until them I kept wondering if it was all going to pay off.

Another event was getting signed up for college classes. The hoops that the school makes you jump through are just crazy, and make you ask "what is the point of all this?" in the end I got all my classes set and even picked the days and times for my classes. One thing that I did not know that would come along with it until classes were started was that of getting my insurance all set so they to also know that I am a full time student still. This was just more headaches than I believe it should have been, but only time will tell if it has all been worth it.

A third event that took place was getting things settled in at work. Although everyday is doing the same thing, the pace is never the same. In the last few weeks thing have started to become regular as far as when I have been working and how many hours a week I am working. Although for now everything is good things are about to change and this change could go either good or bad, along with that when school gets started things will again change.

A forth and final large event that has happened and still in progress is the planing of my trip to India. The first part of this was figuring out how I was going to be able to pull it off with the cost of a trip like this, work, and making sure that mom and dad were okay with the whole thing. Yes, some may say that this is a once in a life time chance, but what they do not know is all the little details. Of course it is a trip with much to see and a lot to learn, but that is not the only reason for the trip either. The family that I have nannied for over the last two years are helping me pay and also their family is letting me stay with them so that always is nice when it comes to looking at the cost. One thing that I had to get done before I can pick dates was that I had to get my visa, which took about two weeks all in all. Although my parents were okay with me going they still had their questions and also had a right to know that part of the reason of me taking this trip had changed. Yes their questions did get answered and so did some of the new ones that came up after finding out the extra reason for making the trip now and not later. I am sure you are also wondering. Well the main reason I am looking to go now and not later is because a cousin, of the father of the family that I nanny for, and I have been talking for a while now and we both would very much like to meet, and see where thing would go from there. And with all of this the only part that is left is to find dates that work for their family and also for me, and then it is off I go to India.

So I know what you are thinking why does it matter that us meeting happens now or later, it is the fact that many parents want their children married at a certain age so that they to can have a family and enjoy life happy with someone they love. And well it just so happens that he is reaching that age and I too also would very much love to find the one that I will spend the rest of my life with, say what you will about not knowing what I want because I am to young but I do not think that is true, I don't think that there is a right age I think it is different for each of us. 

So yes these events have not been bad at all they still have made my life crazy with spurts of calm but in the end just like any other time something or things happens in your life you are always left with the same question in the end. "Where has time gone?" I neither have an answer for you but I do know that the more you enjoy the little moments the more you will want to celebrate the huge moments.

~Take everyday for what it is worth and never overlook any of the little things for those may be the things that make the big things all worth it in the end.~

Will You Ever Understand?

Why is it that every time you seem to know what you want there is always someone right there to tell you that you don't know what you want and you are just straight up wrong. For me this always seems to happen and no matter what I tell this person they seem to just not know how to listen. I can say one thing and it is like they just don't seem to hear it because it is not what they want to hear.

Having tried just about everything nothing seems to have worked. I understand that is hard to let go of someone that you have loved but there comes a point when you have to let them free to live their life. I know it is not easy for I also had to go through this but I made it. Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to say that it is by any means easy, and that the feeling of just wanting to tell them they have no idea what they are doing and what they are doing is wrong. But you have to cut the rope sometime and let people find where their life is going on their own even if that means that you are not part of it anymore.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying it is okay to go out and just use people by any means. What I am trying to say is that before committing to anyone know that you are willing to give that relationship everything, but also know that if for some reason things just don't work out no matter the feelings you have, had, or know will never go away, you are willing to let that other person go and have the chance to make their into what they want it to be.

First hand I know that there are always feeling that you just can't seem to get rid of no matter how hard you try, and maybe they are meant to be there for a reason even if you do not know them now, someday everything will seem to fall into place.

As for me right now I am still trying to get him to understand that what we had is just that, and I am at the point in my life that I am ready to see where life is going to take me and who is going to be brought into my life and who is not going to stick around.

Not This Year...

As spring time keeps getting closer I am reminded that this is the spring that I will not be playing my senior year of softball. Through all of this I can say the only thing about this that makes me happy is knowing that I am done with school and start moving on in life. This is a wonderful thing yes, but I know that it would never compare to that of a Senior year softball season.

The last three seasons were great, between the memories, the losses and even a win every now and again. Much time was spent in the gym and on the field, with the girls that made up the team. Through those three years we all became like a family. Although every year the family would change a little, we always had a few rough patches but we always knew come game time we were all there for the same thing. The love that all of us had for that one special game, Softball.

I know I am not part of the team this year but there is nothing that I will miss more than this precious time that I so wish I could be out on that field. I hope that the girls this year put in their all like always and show its about the love of the sport not just about winning. I do hope that maybe this season will be a little better than the last few.

~There will always be that one thing no matter how old you become that will always have a special place in your heart no matter where your life takes you and how long its been~

Going Out With A Bang

Thoughout life I have always been the one who never liked following directions, or doing the same thing as others. I always wanted to be different, stand out from the crowd. During my highschool years and now.

During my freshman year, I knew that I wanted to make a stand to be remembered after I left. I was not sure how I was going to do this, or even if my hopes where to high. The biggest challange that I faced was the fack that I did not know anyone since I had just changed schools. Still I was determaned to not let this stop me.

As freshman year can to an end I had started to grow closer to some of the girls in my class and a few others. By the time Sophmore year began many of us became very close. The more and more time passed the closer we all became. Through the fights, fun, and countless memories that had been already made we all knew that we would be one group that would be going out with a bang.

Sophmore year seemed to fly by and the next thing we all knew it was Junior year. More memories where made and more fights where fought. But through it all we knew who we could count on and trust in the end. Through these three years I had some of the best times of my life and I would not change a thing about it.

Although I did not spend my Senior year with these girls I know that we still have a bond that has not changed. I know that those that I did spend my Senior year with good memories were made also and friendships were made stronger and new ones were also made.

I am still going through life with the plan of being someone people will always remember. I am now just trying to find a way that works through it all, but I know that I will find a way one of these days.