Why Do I?

In the last few months I have been in school and working quite a lot to keep me busy. But there was always the little bit of down time that I never really knew what to do. Well dealing with my ex boyfriend was about the only thing that seemed to take up my free time. After talking for a few months my ex and me decided to try again. At first everything seemed to be going fine and we were just getting over that awkward stage after not being together for a few months. All seemed to be heading in a good direction with the both of us, and then that all seemed to end. He started talking about his friends and what they were up to in our time away from each other,and well that didn't really bother me. Well that was until he started talking about what he and some of his female friends were doing during this time. Granted I already knew what he had all done while we were separated and as much as I said it didn't bother me it kept digging a huge hole in my heart. My only answer to this was because when we broke up and started to talk again he told me that he would wait for me to come back because he knew that I would and to that point I guess he was right. Anyway back to the story, every time he brought up one of his female friends it was always the ones that I knew what all happened between them. So many times I told him that I was willing to listen to his stories but to keep it as him and his friend and not to specify what friend but he never seem to understand that. So with the stories that continued to be told the more awkward thinks started to become and I told him that if it was going to work out this time he would have to stop bring up the things like this. His answer to this was that these were the things that would bring us closer together. As much as I wanted to believe him I just couldn't and decided that I knew that things would not change and I had been asked by many why I was dealing with the crap that he was putting me through, and as much as I tried to give them a true answer was that I still loved him. Well after listening to my heart and some of my close friends and well of course my mom I decided to talk to him and tell him that things were not going to work out and well he took it just like he did the first time. But this I mean he tried to guilt me into not leaving, told me I was wrong and that I should have just stayed away instead of ripping his heart out again. And me being me I almost believed him and didn't brake up with him again. But I knew that it was what I needed to do even though I knew that I still loved him. At first after the brake up we didn't talk for a while and then we started to talk again, and things seemed to be going okay but that didn't last long. He's back to telling me things that I don't want to know about what he is doing and every time I try to stop talking to him it never seems to work. As much as I know that I will always love him no matter what happens and on the inside I will always care what happens to him I know that the best thing for me to do for myself is to let him go and stop worrying about what trouble he is getting himself into. There are so many days that I find myself telling myself what my mom keeps telling me. "You can love someone with all your heart but that does not mean that you can live with them." So for the past few weeks I have been trying to follow this and some days its easier then others but I know that the only way to deal with this problem of mine is to let him go and just know that in my heart I will always love him no matter where he ends up.

Where Is The White

So for the past few days it has been extremly cold out side here in Green Bay. The Fox river that is never frozen tell a few weeks after it snows is already well on its way. The only thing that isn't well on its way is the number of inches of snow that we have gotten. It is only a few weeks away from Christmas and we still don't even have a start. By this time every year we are normally well on our way to a very merry white Christmas. But this year it seems that all might change. Deer huting season has come and gone and all hunters around here pray and beg for snow and that is usually when on the last weekend that we get hit hard with snow. I hate shoveling but at this point in mid December in just ready for it. There are many things that I do in the winter time but due to this tragic weather this year I am unable to complete. The other main problem with the season being more and more late is that it means that it will last even longer in the spring and that means that like last year our softball team will be shoveling the feild to try to be able to start our season. This is going to be one very long and dreaded spring. So as ypu get done reading this if you are some where that has snow and are willing to share we will be more than happy to take just a few inches off your hands.

A Time for Thanks

So I know that this post is a little late but I just relized that it never posed. Hope you enjoy.

As most of you out there may know already its almost Thanksgiving. Normally I don't get over happy about this but this year for some reason unknown to me I just can't wait. I believe that it may partly have to do with being able to see my brother whom I have not seen since before I made my trip this summer. To some that may not seem like long but for me it has been forever. Along with getting to see my brother, there is all the great food. This is the first Thanksgiving since I stated going hunting with my dad that him and me will actually be home on Thanksgiving day. As much as I wish we could be out there like every other year I know that taking the year off will be the best since he just had surgery. The only thing that I'm not looking forward to is working on black Friday. This is due to the fact that I don't want to deal with the cranky customers and the people whom I work with because they will either be complaining about not being able to shopping or everyone not having patience. The only other thing that I am very excited about is that this means Christmas is even closer and even more time with the family and off from school.

313 Days

Once again as always my sister and I got in to a fight that had me storming out of the house. No one even stopped to say anything on my way out. From there I went to work from 5-9. Upon my arrival home after work and just a little extra time out of the house for myself I returned home. The only thing that has been said to me in the past two hours is "Hello" from my mother when I walked in partly because I had to walk past her to get down stairs to my room. After that was nothing tell about 20 minutes ago when I turned on my music and it was a little to loud I guess cause I then received a text message saying to be a little bit more quite cause there are people trying to sleep. I did not think that it was that loud but I guess again I was wrong just like I am with everything here. In 313 days I will be a legal adult at the age of 18. I know that I will have a year left of high school left but to me that does not matter. I want to get out and be on my own just to show everyone that has doubted me that I can make it on my own. To prove to my family that I may be the last one out of the house but that I can handle the responsibility of school, work and fending for myself. Because to them I may not seem like I know how to or that I do. But for the little bit that I spend at home I might as well be out on my own. I know that mom and dad will tell me to just wait to be done with high school but I know that I will be lucky if I can make it that long. The more that I spend here the more I seem to fall farther and farther away from everyone of the family. I have friends at school and out side of school that don't understand what I'm saying when they ask what is wrong. This is due to the fact that none of them had to grow up and learn to be their own person and take care of themselves. Because unlike a normal child and teenager, I did not have the choice to not do anything and not have any responsibility. As I have been told by my mom and doctors I didn't really have a childhood. When I'm at school or work and people bring up their childhood memories. I sit there and think wow for the life of me I can't remember anything from then. I have been told that I blocked out my childhood because there were no memories worth remembering. To tell you the truth from the stories I have heard from my childhood I can completely believe that that is what happened. So in 313 days I will show everyone that thinks I can't do it. That the little girl that they thought that I would always be hasn't been around for a while. So that Jeep Wrangler that I have wanted for so many years I guess will just be put off so that I can get out and start my own life and feel like I might make a difference in my life.

A Moment of Time

Since school has started, me getting my job back, I have not had a lot of time just for me. So now that I have a day off from school and work I am going to take advantage of it to the fullest. I'm taking time to catch up on my blog, and other blogs that I have not time to read. So years ago I would not be caught dead saying this but now is different. I am really enjoying this school year so far. I don't have an exact reason why. I do know that with the full class schedule that I have picked for this year. To someone who doesn't know my schedule they would think that I'm crazy for saying that i have a full schedule. Well what they don't know is that both of my study halls that I have are for the two independent classes I have. Also that none of my classes this year are not easy classes. By this I mean they are not classes that I don't get homework in. Almost all of my classes I get homework every night, I'm not complaining because I don't mind it at all. to tell you the truth I am starting to like it. I think this is because with homework nightly it keeps me busy. Well now that I am partly caught up on here I am going to start on the homework that I have for this weekend.