My Baby Girl

After everything with my marriage I decided to try and be a little relaxed with my life. Well I was a little to relaxed. About five weeks after going to a party I found myself in more of a predicament than I thought I would be in after everything else that I had just gone through. I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I had a few choices but I knew what I wanted and I knew that I was given this opportunity for a reason. I was not fully sure what it was that this was going to teach me but I did know that I could not have this baby on my own. But I knew that telling my parents would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do.

My parents took the news a million times better than I ever thought they would. I was also blessed that they were going to stand by me no matter what I decided to do.

That meant that they would be there even if things with the father did not work out. As hard as I tried I could not keep that situation from falling apart. I tried everything and I mean everything.

One thing that I did learn from it all is that it should not take a baby to make you realize that a situation is not safe.

But on May 31, 2015 at 7:31 P.M. My pride and joy, my baby girl was born.

I never realized what true love really was until I heard her cry for the first time. That is one moment in life that I will never forget.

Now do not take me saying this as being a parent is easy in anyway it is a new challenge everyday. Let alone being a single parent is even more of a challenge. Every day I learn a hundred new things and I know I have a million more to learn.

When the Pieces start to fall

I never thought that my life would be headed down the path that it is today. Its not that I thought that everything would change. I knew that it would. Its the inevitable. What I never thought was that it was going to all seem to fall apart right in front of me in the short time that it did. I went from having a happy marriage to having a marriage that was falling to a million little pieces. While still waiting for paperwork to be processed things started to become tougher and tougher. I was being accused of wasting time and not filing the paperwork that needed to be filed. The fights were not just of that but of many other things. I was doing to much with working two jobs and going to school. He wanted me just to go to school and focus on just that. That would have been fine if that was the only thing that I had going on in life at the time and did not have any other bills. Or if he would have been here to help financially.

That was another thing that I did not understand is that as much as he was always telling me that he did not want me to work he would never send me anything to help me to not have to work as much. It was not even money I had sent him things for important dates throughout the year. And the fact that I never got anything for a year and a half for anything. It had even got to the point that I had to be the one to start talking to him every morning or night or anytime that I wanted to talk or just to make sure that he was having a good day. I never seemed to hear from him first. This was something that I just could not live with, because as much as I knew and wanted things to change I knew that habits like that do not just show up out of no were.

As much as I did not want to know if things between the two of us were changing I knew that they were. Not only with who would talk to who first but when we could talk suddenly started to change I could not just pick up the phone and call him. It got to the point that I always had to send him a message first to make sure that I could call. When I did not it would upset him to the point of him answering the phone, telling me that he would call me back and he would normally say after an hour or so and I would not hear anything. During the time that I was waiting I would often fall asleep for the night because lets face it working two jobs and school full time was exhausting. Or it would be in the morning and it would be time for me to leave for work or school, and I was always the bad guy for not being up or free when he was finally free to talk.

It got to the point that I stopped trying to call because I got tired of not being able to talk anyways. But again I was deemed the bad guy. Things just kept falling into a million little pieces and I could not seem to keep up with keeping them all close, let alone to put all the pieces back together to make the happy picture that it once made. This again made me the even worse person. How could a wife not want to talk to her husband. How could I just be giving up. So many questions were asked and blamed me for everything that had started to pull us apart. It had even reached the point that he did not want me to spend as much time with his family here, even though I was a nanny for them for almost three years at that time. How was I supposed to be able to just walk away from seeing the baby and what had become a second family.

When it got to the point that nothing that I did was right I knew that things would never get back to the same place they were to start with no matter how hard we tried even if he were to get here. It was to the point that even his family here started to get more and more distant, this was a huge warning sign to me, that things were trying to be hid because it got back to the point that the only important part was the paperwork and getting that done and finding out why it was taking so long. Everything that i had already did. This made me realize that things were being hid from me. When the real truth of why we got married came out from his side it was like a knife cut my heart out. We had agreed that before we got married that it was not just for that but for love. I never knew that losing everything that I wanted so bad to work out would hurt so bad when I never truly got to hold it fully.

But being lied to for what I was in for the love I had for this man was something that I could not live with. I had to call it quits for myself I knew it was not fair for me to be in it with my whole heart and not have the same love in return.

In a matter of months we went from the happily married couple to the couple that was going through a divorce.

I never thought that I would be 20 years old and have all the plans that I had for a family fall apart as fast as they did. I never thought I would be divorced within two years of getting married. I can say that I am glad that it happened before we were settled or before he got here and the truth never would have came out. So as bad as it was I am glad it happened if anything I know that I learned so much more than I ever thought I would know at the age of 20.

~Not every puzzle is meant to be finished and kept together forever some are together just long enough to see the picture to know what is being lost.~

Life Will Always Change

Over the last eight months life has thrown me many different curve balls. Many of them were not any ways that I thought would happen in my life. I was raised in a way that thought me that everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. In a post about my 2013 summer adventure, I had talked about how I had got married. Many people did not agree with what I had done but it was all through my choices. As time passed and we made it through our first year and a half still being 8,000 miles apart.

In the months that followed things started to head down hill. At first it was hard for me to listen to what people were trying to tell me how things were starting to seem unhealthy. As hard as it was for me to accept but as I tried to ignore what people were saying started to become more and more obvious. That is when I knew that what I had to do would not be easy but I knew it needed to be done. It took a few weeks but I finally built up the courage to stand up to my ex-husband and say that enough was enough.

The weeks and months that followed turned out to be some of the best and worst that I have ever had. Throughout the last 19 weeks I have struggled to get him to understand that no matter how much he tries to get me to come back and help him to get to America I will not change my mind because my life has moved on for the better.

Two of the best things in the world have also happened in the last 19 weeks. I had told myself that I was not going to jump into anything as quick as I did last time. But when I said that I did not realize that the person that I had started to see would change my life in such a wonderful way. I knew that what I was feeling was what I had been looking for the whole time. I remember always being told that when you are with someone and you no longer think or compare things to those from your first true love you know that you have found someone just as good. But in my case I know that I have found someone that is even a million times better. I can say this more confident than anything else. This is because through everything he has stood by me even though he did not have to.

The number one best thing that has happened in the last 19 weeks is that I found out that in about 21 weeks I will get to be the one thing that I have always wanted to be in life and that is getting to be a mom. The best part is that the man that I have fell so deep in love with is the father to my child. We have been lucky that everything is going good with the pregnancy. On the 15th we had our monthly check up and everything was good with baby having a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute. On February 12th we have our second ultrasound and will be finding out if our little monkey is a boy or a girl. I am banking on a boy but my parents are voting against Joe and I for a girl.


~Even when life brings you down to rock bottom, someone will always find you to bring you back up higher than where you were the first time~ 

Time Really Does Fly

So in the last 11 or so weeks I have been dealing with a lot of things in life from college, to friends, to work. As much as I thought my second semester was going to be go a little bit smoother than my first was just a joke. There is nothing about this semester that has not been just as challenging as the first. Between trying to balance more classes while still work was a new adventure in itself. Let alone it didn't stop just there work has been crazy and not in a good way, it had got to the point that I had started to look for a new job. For a while that search was not going well but then things started to turn around, I finally started to hear back from a few places.

As time kept going,feeling like it was just flying, I continued to put in my all but along that road I had realized that the people that had been by my side just didn't seem to be there any more. It's not that I was expecting them to drop everything they were doing but the fact that I would only hear from them when I would reach out to them made me really start to think. The fact that I had made plans with some of them and then last minute if I were not to have asked them would not have known that things had changed. I just didn't understand how friends that talked all the time just stopped that the two lane road had become a one way.

I knew that with the distance of different colleges and paths in life we would grow apart but I didn't think it was going to be like this at all. I thought it was going to be something that even know we got further in life the distance would make us closer. But the truth is it has only brought us farther apart. To see this happen and to see them not see it at all is what hurts the most. The fact that talking to the person, that a year ago we didn't miss a day without talking, can now go almost 11 weeks is just crazy.

There is nothing that cuts deeper than knowing the truth and seeing life move on like nothing had even happened. So when ever you think things are starting to fall into place just know at any given time they can just fall apart just as fast without you even knowing.

~When you start to see the world from the outside looking in, is when you rely start to understand what road you are on~

To Busy For To Long

In the past six months there have been so many things that have happened in life that I would have never would have happened the way they did or the time in my life that they did.

The summer of 2013 was the first summer that I would really say that I had a summer vacation. As scary as it seemed at the start it all turn out better than I could have ever dreamed. It started with getting my first semester of college all ready to go and what class where. But shortly after that came the time to buckle down and work and put my money away for the semester that I knew I would not be working much. And after what seemed like for ever but was only about a month and a half it was time for my first real vacation.

This was one that I thought would never happen and when I found out it was going to I figured it was going to be a once in a life time chance. To my surprise 16 hours on a plane is not as fun as it seems in the movies. But this was one that I knew was going to be well worth it. Because I knew that at the other airport was going to be the person that I thought I would never get the chance to meet.

It was then 8 months that we had been talking and we had become very close just from that but getting the chance to meet him was a dream come true. In the events that followed were that which not even in a million years did I think would ever happen. But the rest of this story is for another day.

After returning home from India I knew there was not much time left before my first semester of college would begin. In all honesty I knew that I only had 5 days before it started and it was the only reason I came back when I did. The feeling that I had that first day was not much different than that from my first day of high school. Other than the fact that I knew that this is my last chance to get it all right because after this real life starts.

I had never thought of myself as a good student or as one that could get good grades on my own but I proved myself an so many others that told me that I could not do it wrong! At the end of my first semester I finished with a 3.0 over all GPA and many wonderful comments from my professors that they hope to see me in one of their other classes before my time is up here. One thing that I still am trying to figure out is where all the time went. When did those 15 weeks pass and how did I seem to miss it. The one thing that I did not miss over winter break was all the time spent in the library. That is one thing that no matter what I would have never thought I would see myself doing but I learned that the time there studying really did pay off and that a little extra effort really does make a difference.

Over break I have been working like a crazy person and wish I would have been able to make more time for the people that I do not get to see very often any more. But I am thankful for the time that I did get to spend with them when I did.

But in one week I start my second semester an get to finish my first year. And on the way there I hope to find more time to share my stories from along the way.

And if there is one thing that I had learned at all in these last six months it is that even when those you love seem far away and you may feel lost they will always be there to help find your way back to where you were going.

~Even if everyone is telling you that you are doing it wrong or are making a mistake in your life know that it is a mistake in their life but not always one in yours.... You have to just first to see if you are going to sink or float and to everybody's surprise and maybe even your own when you think you are going to sink that might just be the time you float.~